Random Talk: Getting in Touch back with my Soul

April 17, 2008 at 9:04 pm (relationship) ()

I am not a religious person, I am spiritual and I think I will be referencing God a lot in this blog. I am so burnt out. When I was younger I used to think that all the bad stuff happened because it was meant to or because I was an unlucky person but obviously after awhile you realize that most things happen based on your choices and maybe sometimes some things happens for a reason. At the end of the day though, I think it’s about taking accountability for the conclusions of today and having faith that there is a lesson somewhere, and when you least expect it you realize something profound. I believe as Ben Franklin eloquently put it “God help them who helps themselves” . So if you think by sitting on your ass something heavenly is going to drop from the sky, you are going to decay waiting. By the way, this is what I am telling myself every time I think I feel like going back to my old ways of dealing with lemons. I am hoping writing about it will get my mind, soul and body to cooperate because all three parts of me are on the different corners of my self right now, wish I had one of those remote control things where with a push of a button all three parts will come together in attention. *pout*

The process it takes to reach an epiphany is so much easier to read about or watch in a movie, but when you are actually going through it, oh my god, it feels like an excruciatingly painful and frustrating ride, all you want to do is scream “stop!” “stop!” and find the stop button. You can try to avoid all the internal chaos by going to parties, flirting, drinking, watching reruns of comedies all day…but if you don’t let yourself feel through it, there will be no progress. I am thinking about that movie “Something’s gotta give” where Jack Nicholson’s character broke Diane Keaton’s heart due to his own limitations and she went through bouts of emotions. She would be writing her play and during it she would suddenly burst our crying, or she would be doing something else she would just burst out crying. I thought it was really funny and comical but I didn’t really get the therapy in that then but I think I see the purpose of it now. Speaking of that movie, when she left Keanu to go back to Jack after Jack realized I was like…”What the fish, dump the old guy and stick with the cutie!” Haha, but love is love.

Anyways I stopped trying to distract myself. I stopped trying to think through my feelings, I am just letting myself feel and I soothe myself as I would soothe a best friend who is down in the dumps. And I try to recite the serenity prayer in my head if it gets too bad, at first in the midst of the tornado of emotions you can’t seem to recall the words but as you try to get all the words out by the time you are able to recite the whole prayer, things seem calmer. If I can just survive through this moment, there would be calm after the storm and my epiphany will happen (I am hoping). Reinhold Niebuhr (I still have no idea how to pronounce his name) is a great man for coming up with that prayer. It works for all hard situations not just alcoholics.

I am still in the storm trying to stay alive but I am hoping that this will help me get back in touch with my soul, I need to, I am no saint but I think I would be disrespecting God’s gift of giving me life if I just avoid whatever and let my soul decay. I already don’t go to church I can’t have him mad at me for that 😛

Oh and PS, if there is anyone who thinks I am a wimp for being so feely feely, I can guarantee that THAT is not true and the person thinking that will get a telepathic kick in the butt. It takes great inner strength to confront your feelings and rise above, if it was so easy, there wouldn’t be so many self-help books and organizations or people with anger issues or addictive personalities. *makes smug face* 😛 Ok no smug face, that is not nice. 😀


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