Self Talk: I wish I wasnt…

May 6, 2008 at 12:23 pm (Blogroll, observation, Personal, self)

This past weekend I noticed something interesting, people say the darndest thing when they have alcohol flowing through their veins but interesting nevertheless. I have heard ‘I wish I wasn’t Gay,’ ‘I wish I wasn’t mix breed,’ ‘I wish I was a man,’ and the list goes on. Basically the theme was ‘I wish I wasn’t.’ I really didn’t have a thought but I did feel a feeling, which was sadness. So I have been trying to decipher what the feeling meant for the past few days.

I realized that I felt sad because I can empathize. I grew up wishing I wasn’t Korean, a lot of my defective thoughts that caused a lot of defective results growing up was a result of living in a absolutist conservative Korean inner environment but living in non-conservative outer environment. And I had a curiosity that may have killed a cat but I believed that satisfaction would have brought me back. I was constantly blocked. And growing up I blamed being Korean and had no desire to learn about my ethnicity. This is when I didn’t know any better.

Being Korean with a multi cultural cognitive process is still challenging since I am actually living in Korea and working in an environment that is backdated, oh yeah double whammy, I am a female as well. Although I never wish I was anything other than female but sometimes, for the sake of satisfying company objective, I did wish I was a guy, it would be so much easier. I know better now so I don’t blame the culture, instead I accept everything as is and have to work extra hard to get extra creative in reaching my work goals. Not easy.

I am also sad because I also know that when you live life not liking part of who you are, you don’t evolve properly. It’s like you know a cactus don’t need a lot of water but you feed it a lot of water because it’s weird that a plant needs so little water so you give it anyways, the cactus won’t flourish, it would get sick because you are going against what the cactus is. Maybe this is not the best metaphor but the point is, our body, mind and spirit are set to evolve the way God intended and how we evolve depends on what we feed it. Part of that is being honest about who we are and accepting it, unconditional self acceptance. It’s weird but if you don’t do this, you can’t evolve. I am not sure how it works technically but it’s a fact like we need oxygen.

I believe that it’s human to not like something or feel crappy, and there is nothing wrong with that. But what makes the difference between a person who evolves positive or negatively is what you do with that thought. Do you allow yourself to get sucked into it? Or do you find a way to rise above it? The process can be erratic as hell, it’s what you do at the end of the day that counts. I think this is why they say a mistake is never a mistake if you learn from them, what you do at the end of the day can negate what happened before.

A couple of years ago I read one of Tony Robbin’s book, can’t remember what it is called but out of the 500 odd pages I read the only thing I got out of it was the Pain and Pleasure Principle. This principle states that people basically avoid pain and want to gain pleasure. The Quality of life depends on the formula you follow. There is gaining immediate pleasure to end up in long term pain and there is overcoming the immediate pain to gain long term pleasure. For e.g I am overweight, it would be easier not to work out (immediate pleasure) but in the end I will feel crappy of being overweight(long term pain). As opposed to I am overweight and it’s so hard to work out but I do it anyways (immediate pain) and in the end I feel and look good (long term pleasure).Addictive personalities always follow the immediate pleasure and long term pain. And because it’s painful again, they try to gain the pleasure fast as possible, it becomes a revolving cycle. In order to evolve positively, guess which formula you have to follow?

Blogging about this makes me think of the movie Shawshenk Redemption. Tim Robbins went through so much, but he didn’t get sucked into it. He accepted his environment regardless of what he felt, he planned and went through 10 football fields worth of shit to attain his goal. I got goosebumps during that part of the movie by the way.

I think it is such a defeat when you hide from who you are because it’s harder to live life or get sucked into judgments of society and become a product of your environment. The root of you is you, and self acceptance and self love needs to start there which then will have a ripple effect towards your external self. Because I think the worst thing in life is looking in the mirror and feeling crappy about yourself regardless of all the superficial success. I am not sure why I noticed all the ‘I wish I wasn’t…’ talks this past weekend. But I did, and it made me sad. I guess it’s good that I noticed because it means my awareness is expanding, but it doesn’t negate the sadness. Let me go have a couple of shots of whiskey and get back to you…lol.. NOT.


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