Random Talk: It’s been awhile

March 13, 2009 at 11:15 pm (Blogroll)

I started blogging because I lost my writing voice. I remember writing a lot, what I lacked vocally I could express in the written word, I noticed the last time I wrote was July 7th 2008.

A lot has happened since then and here I am with a bottle of very cheap I-am-so-going-to-get-the-worst-hangover wine on a st Paddy’s weekend, peeling syringes out of their blister packs for recycling because we are short of staff. What happened?

I am watching my one and only female cat Roxy showing signs of being in heat and the boys (Darwin, Garfield and Pablo) although they have been neutered still get on her like they are about to get it on…I guess you can cut out the biology but instincts are instincts. Lordy I did not think things through when deciding to get 3 male cats and one female, I hope I don’t witness a feline gang bang under my nose. Oh god that would be a travesty.

The cheap wine has caused me to deviate (yes I am blaming it on the wine)…erm where was I? Oh yea, the last I wrote was July 7th 2008. What is my point? It’s really hard to come up with a point when Roxy is making the I-am-in-heat noise and I see her rubbing herself on the floor with her ass up in the air. If cats could talk, it would make my life so much easier.

All I know is, I have to go work on the production line because we are short of staff during this weekend so we can make a deadline. While the whole world will be merry and drinking green beer I will be on a production line.  If there was a scrooge for regular life…it will be me right now…bah humbug (what the hell does humbug mean anyways?)

So it’s been awhile…and I remembered why I started blogging so I don’t forget what English is(which I found easy to do when you are surrounded by konglish) or my ability to articulate.

2008 I broke a lot of barriers…not all was good but for the first time even though some of the experiences weren’t the good that I thought it would be but it was good because it challenged me to broaden my perception in an inside-out way. How? erm….I think it’s best I elaborate on that when I am not drinking a 10 dollar bottle of wine.

I still do not know how to end something but I will be finishing this bottle to the end…so the end.

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Random Talk: A Thankful Moment

July 7, 2008 at 2:22 pm (Blogroll)

It’s Monday and I am usually quite useless on Mondays because my brain is recuperating from the weekend, at least till 6pm-ish. And although my brain cells are working with probably the generator (not even sure if I have one) I started to reflect a lot. Maybe because there is low productivity in the brain it’s allowing space for my reflective thoughts. It’s not even relevant. Whatever. Anyways…

I remember telling myself after New Years, that instead of just focusing on the many things I don’t like about living deep within the disorganized, discombobulated masses in Korea (you can’t see it on the surface but it’s there) I should make things happen for myself. It took a little time but I started to, Uber Rad Life in Seoul, Mud fest, other events, taking a chance on people and I am amazed at all the great moments that has come from it and all the new cool and interesting people I have met. I have met so many interesting people, some has become my kindred spirit and a friendship has budded, and I think Marilyn Monroe’s quote which I discovered through bumper sticker application ( I love this app), is befitting for 2008 now:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right. You believe in lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall part so better things fall together.”

So this morning, I actually felt free from the crap that oozed from 2007 into 2008, infecting the newness of 2008, the beginning part that is. It was excruciatingly hard trying to rise above some of the events that occurred this year, but it was worth it because the thankfulness I felt from the moment I woke up today and right to this moment is incredible.

It makes sense, if you know what crap feels like, when good happens you just can’t help but embellish in the moment because it feels so good, it gives you your juice to keep moving during the low days.

Usually Mondays makes me feel abhorrent but today, not so much so that is something else to be thankful about also.

Cool. 🙂

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LDR Talk: To LDR couples around the world…Finishing What I started part 1

June 24, 2008 at 12:22 am (Blogroll)

Some months ago I wrote about long distance relationship (LDR). During that time I did a lot of research, I am not one to do something out of my element without research and I said in that blog that I will talk about many other aspects about LDR’s and how to make it work…so here I am finishing what I started.

I know that in my first LDR talk blog I talked about how I was a firm believer of not being in an LDR but one guy changed that for me, but unfortunately it did not work out. But I know that there are a lot of people that is trying to make that work so here I am, sharing what I have researched in hoping to help some LDR couple out, that they will have the emotional strength and emotional stamina to get to the finish line.

One things for sure and two things for certain, being in a LDR relationship it really tests your patience and the love for your partner over again and again. Being in a LDR can make you question yourself, what you want out of life and even your state of mind for committing to a relationship that makes you feel so discombobulated and out of control . Basically being in an LDR is not for the weak hearted and only for those who are truly committed.

Just remember though, you are not alone in committing to a LDR.

When the love of your life, the one you decided you will commit to a LDR leaves, you go through a few negative emotions that can be detrimental to your relationship if not properly managed.

1. Withdrawals

Having to face a new environment without each other is excruciating especially after you spent months being so close to each other and being involved in each other’s lives.

2. Sadness

Obviously when the person you love leaves, the sadness overwhelms you to a point of the attack of crazy thoughts.

3. Being afraid of losing the relationship

When the person is in the same geographical location…you can somehow appease your worry about losing the person you love through sight but with that taken away, your concerns can heighten to a point of illogical standard.

3. Excessive Worry

As you go through the sadness and become intimate with the concern of losing the relationship, excessive worry can occur.

4. Loneliness

In the midst of the worrying, your loneliness can enhance with the sadness and worry…sometimes even make it worse.

5. Jealousy

With all the sadness, excessive worrying in addition to loneliness, jealously can overwhelm you to a point of almost making mistakes you cannot back out from.

Again, LDR is not for weak hearted and only for those who are truly in love and committed.

I am going to focus on explaining the depths of jealousy because all the the sadness or worries or whatever always provokes jealously.

A lot of times what we feel is a symptom of a root cause so I suggest before you start reacting to whatever you are feeling, figure out what is causing those feelings. No feelings is ever caused immaculately, it is caused by something.

From what I gather jealously is caused by three main root causes, one is fear of being abandoned, two is being afraid that you will lose the love and lastly being afraid of being dishonored in the relationship. It usually occurs in our heads rather than what is real. Obviously there are situations where something has caused it, but usually it is imagined. Note: If you are in a relationship where you can see with your own two eyes that you are being disrespected or dishonored…what the hell are you doing in that kind of relationship in the first place? And in a LDR which makes it even worse.

It is important to keep in mind that someone who is always jealous can drive away the best thing that has ever happened to him/her. Therefore it is necessary to figure out a way to handle the jealousy you feel rather than feed into it which can cause the demise of the relationship you cherish.

I think that it is important to figure out why you feel the way you do and figure our what you are jealous of before attacking the person who has decided to commit to you. It can get tiring especially when you are doing everything right to not disrespect the relationship but the person you love keeps accusing you of things you are not doing.

I suggest that you figure out what is the root cause of the jealousy. What situations are causing you to feel all that jealousy? I think you should write it down because just trying to calculate that in your head will cause you to get worse if you are not used to logicizing your emotions. Quoted from Alex Chew author of Manage your way to a perfect Distance relationship guide ” “The real trigger [of jealousy] clearly pinpoint to your own insecurity or low self-esteem.”

Alex Chew asserts that almost every jealous situation is often caused by the feeling of the person who feels inadequate for doing not enough to keep in touch with their partner. Feeling insecure can cause the person to keep in touch inconsistently because the person is thinking their partner will leave them if they had a chance. So here you are trying your best to keep in touch, but you get illogical thoughts mixed with sadness, worries and over active thinking, which can provoke all the fears you have within you and it can make you keep in touch less. Somehow in your mind you end up thinking, why am I investing when there is a chance the person I love is going to abandon me, throw away the love and disrespect me.

Whenever you feel jealousy, writing down a list of behaviors you deemed suspicious and evaluating them is vital. Try to figure out if the jealousy you are feeling is real or imagined. Make sure that you act according to what you find rather than reacting to something you imagine which really means you feel left out and you are being a big ass brat.

Apparently jealousy can occur in various ways. One of them is having too much free time. When you have too much time on your hands your mind can become overactive. In this case it is suggested that you eliminate your free time with some activities that can help you grow.

Another reason why jealousy could occur is due to feeling bad about ourselves or self-conscious. Do something to make yourself feel good about yourself, whether it is to volunteer in a soup kitchen or get a new wardrobe…anything that makes you feel like you are the greatest thing since slice bread. Yes it is cliche but so true.

In the end I think communication is key. Laying your cards on the table. If your partner reciprocates your honesty about your feelings then that in itself is an indicator that your partner cares about you, if both gets defensive all the time, then obviously you don’t have the maturity yet. Even in relationships that are in the same geographical location can fail through lack of communication. In a LDR, communication becomes extra important. Heart to Heart communication that is.

Instead of being a bitch or an asshole by reacting through your own assumptions, just be honest and say “I am feeling jealous of …. blah blah blah” at least this way you can see if your partner cares for you enough to alleviate your concerns. But if you are really insecure and you need over validation, then you might need to do some soul searching to figure out if you think the love you have for the person is worth the hurdles of a LDR or if you are mature enough for one. Seriously, the make or break of a LDR is dependent on the ability to manage your own emotions and being able to communicate from your heart.

I have more to write but for now I will stop here. I think the bottom line is being able to communicate effectively. I am sure with pride, ego, insecurities fogging up your perception it’s hard to tell between reality and your own internal fears. Which is why when you decide to pursue your LDR you have to make sure that you have the heart for it. Not just the part where you love the person so much but the strength to endure the storms that can occur during the journey.

Even though mine didn’t work out, I still have hope for those who believe in their relationship hence me writing this blog. It does sux when it doesn’t work out for you but instead of wallowing in remorse (for a little while to grieve is ok), realize that if it didn’t work out that means it wasn’t meant to be and the one thing you can find solace in is you tried your best.

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Random Talk: The words I am Sorry

June 23, 2008 at 4:33 pm (Blogroll)

I was contemplating today that the words I am sorry is one of the most powerful sentences in the human language, it has the ability to heal an emotional wound, it has the ability to fizzle out a disagreement, it has this almost magical effect of bringing two people closer but I realized that there are times when it’s not enough. The question is where is that line?

I don’t usually get offended very easily and have a pretty wide scope of understanding people but even for someone like me I have experienced at least 3 moments this year where ‘I am sorry’ didn’t take the usual effect on me. I didn’t feel that cleansing rush that usually occurs when someone who did me wrong says ‘I am sorry.’ Which got me thinking about whether it’s because the situation insulted my core self or if I am being unreasonable.

If someone insulted my core self, would I be considered unreasonable if can’t get myself to forgive? Which brings me to another hurdle is, if I forgive would I be considered a martyr? A pushover? But if a person isn’t able to forgive wouldn’t that negative energy infect your soul? Questions are doing a very weird dance in my head.

I think the moments that I have a hard time rising above is when I do my best to be a good and understanding person, a situation happens where I end up feeling and looking stupid. Whether accidental or intentional, the end feeling is the same. If I didn’t have pride in who I am it would be easier to digest or if it didn’t feel like I am being taken for granted especially when I made a lot of effort, it would be easier console my ‘self’.

I guess it’s something you have to ponder about by trying to look at the big picture. Sometimes trying to look at the big picture is not easy nor does it happen quickly but I think it’s worth the effort if you ultimate objective is not to negatively infect your soul. I think after you have put this effort and it still bothers you then you know that it is something you just have to let go and move on.

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Relationship Talk: Saying Goodbye

June 20, 2008 at 7:33 am (Blogroll)

Just as amazing and intense falling in love is, it’s just as painful and intense when saying goodbye. It doesn’t matter if you know the person did you wrong or is not right for you, saying good bye is always double the intensity of the amount of love you felt originally.

When I was growing up, I thought you only loved once but reflecting on the relationships I have been through, I can’t say that the love I felt during each serious relationship I had that didn’t work was a facade. It was easier to say it must not have been love to ease the excruciating pain of a break up but then I am not being honest with myself. And if I want to evolve I need to be honest with myself.

There was a point in my life where I was so jaded that it was easier to not believe that true love existed but as I am living my life I realized this. I realized that when you do fall in love and it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t love, it was but it wasn’t the one. I think each time we fall in love and if it doesn’t work out it’s the Universe’s way of providing us a learning experience so we are one step closer to knowing what we need and want so when the day comes you will be able to see the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, like trial and error to get it right which makes sense if you think about it. Every skill we learn, every progress we make, it is accomplished through trial and error. No body gets it right the first time or sometimes even the 50th time. Each relationship that did not work out in the end, if you look at the big picture rather than focusing on the negative and stewing in it, at some point you will see what you need to learn which in turn gives you a better idea of what you want and need whether it is of a partner or for your self.

This is the first time in my life that I am able to think like this and although the pain is still there I don’t feel as negative which is what I usually feel after a break up.

Sometimes it is hard to see with all the painful emotions fogging up your vision, but if you remain still and keep in mind your objective which is to evolve into a better person at the end of the day, the epiphany will hit and when it does you will be able to say goodbye with a warm heart and move on.

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Random Talk: A Bad Day

June 18, 2008 at 5:45 pm (Blogroll)

I know that there are ebbs and flows in life and I always do my best to be praoctive during the lows and thrive on the highs but there are some days, I just can’t seem to shake off that dismal feeling that seem to have me in a pseudo choke hold. I gasp for breath hoping to staying afloat, the constant rain which usually brings me so much comfort and solace but today, it seems to set the mood.

It’s during my lunch break that I am writing this and my mind won’t let me delve into the depths of what I am going through today because I am trained to not get sucked in. So I tap my foot and percolate because I do want to write, but I am going to need a moment.

*ponders*

I read somewhere that when a day comes where nothing you do can shake off the abyss-like ebb you are feeling, it’s ok to just be in the moment. A feeling is after all an entity of energy and at some point it will dissipate as a campfire would as long as you don’t fuel it by putting more wood in. I am thinking in this case bad negative thoughts would be the wood that will continue this negative burn so I am trying to catch myself. Because I know at some point, this moment will pass and I will be ultra appreciative of the good.

So I am waiting.

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Music Talk: Lover Lay down By Dave Matthews Band

May 8, 2008 at 11:45 am (Blogroll) ()

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lovers hands
Kiss me wont you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth
Dont be us too shy
Knowing its no big surprise
That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but you
Oh please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hands your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger
A million reasons life to deny
Lets toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lovers side
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Oh please oh please
Please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep lover lay down
Cause its over lover lay down
Say love, say love, say love, say love, say love
Could I love you
Could you love me
Darling its all the same
til we dance away
Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles
Say…….

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Self Talk: I wish I wasnt…

May 6, 2008 at 12:23 pm (Blogroll, observation, Personal, self)

This past weekend I noticed something interesting, people say the darndest thing when they have alcohol flowing through their veins but interesting nevertheless. I have heard ‘I wish I wasn’t Gay,’ ‘I wish I wasn’t mix breed,’ ‘I wish I was a man,’ and the list goes on. Basically the theme was ‘I wish I wasn’t.’ I really didn’t have a thought but I did feel a feeling, which was sadness. So I have been trying to decipher what the feeling meant for the past few days.

I realized that I felt sad because I can empathize. I grew up wishing I wasn’t Korean, a lot of my defective thoughts that caused a lot of defective results growing up was a result of living in a absolutist conservative Korean inner environment but living in non-conservative outer environment. And I had a curiosity that may have killed a cat but I believed that satisfaction would have brought me back. I was constantly blocked. And growing up I blamed being Korean and had no desire to learn about my ethnicity. This is when I didn’t know any better.

Being Korean with a multi cultural cognitive process is still challenging since I am actually living in Korea and working in an environment that is backdated, oh yeah double whammy, I am a female as well. Although I never wish I was anything other than female but sometimes, for the sake of satisfying company objective, I did wish I was a guy, it would be so much easier. I know better now so I don’t blame the culture, instead I accept everything as is and have to work extra hard to get extra creative in reaching my work goals. Not easy.

I am also sad because I also know that when you live life not liking part of who you are, you don’t evolve properly. It’s like you know a cactus don’t need a lot of water but you feed it a lot of water because it’s weird that a plant needs so little water so you give it anyways, the cactus won’t flourish, it would get sick because you are going against what the cactus is. Maybe this is not the best metaphor but the point is, our body, mind and spirit are set to evolve the way God intended and how we evolve depends on what we feed it. Part of that is being honest about who we are and accepting it, unconditional self acceptance. It’s weird but if you don’t do this, you can’t evolve. I am not sure how it works technically but it’s a fact like we need oxygen.

I believe that it’s human to not like something or feel crappy, and there is nothing wrong with that. But what makes the difference between a person who evolves positive or negatively is what you do with that thought. Do you allow yourself to get sucked into it? Or do you find a way to rise above it? The process can be erratic as hell, it’s what you do at the end of the day that counts. I think this is why they say a mistake is never a mistake if you learn from them, what you do at the end of the day can negate what happened before.

A couple of years ago I read one of Tony Robbin’s book, can’t remember what it is called but out of the 500 odd pages I read the only thing I got out of it was the Pain and Pleasure Principle. This principle states that people basically avoid pain and want to gain pleasure. The Quality of life depends on the formula you follow. There is gaining immediate pleasure to end up in long term pain and there is overcoming the immediate pain to gain long term pleasure. For e.g I am overweight, it would be easier not to work out (immediate pleasure) but in the end I will feel crappy of being overweight(long term pain). As opposed to I am overweight and it’s so hard to work out but I do it anyways (immediate pain) and in the end I feel and look good (long term pleasure).Addictive personalities always follow the immediate pleasure and long term pain. And because it’s painful again, they try to gain the pleasure fast as possible, it becomes a revolving cycle. In order to evolve positively, guess which formula you have to follow?

Blogging about this makes me think of the movie Shawshenk Redemption. Tim Robbins went through so much, but he didn’t get sucked into it. He accepted his environment regardless of what he felt, he planned and went through 10 football fields worth of shit to attain his goal. I got goosebumps during that part of the movie by the way.

I think it is such a defeat when you hide from who you are because it’s harder to live life or get sucked into judgments of society and become a product of your environment. The root of you is you, and self acceptance and self love needs to start there which then will have a ripple effect towards your external self. Because I think the worst thing in life is looking in the mirror and feeling crappy about yourself regardless of all the superficial success. I am not sure why I noticed all the ‘I wish I wasn’t…’ talks this past weekend. But I did, and it made me sad. I guess it’s good that I noticed because it means my awareness is expanding, but it doesn’t negate the sadness. Let me go have a couple of shots of whiskey and get back to you…lol.. NOT.

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Life Talk: Cracking the Value Code

April 24, 2008 at 8:39 pm (Blogroll, Personal)

I have been combating with burnout for awhile now and as I was walking around my office whilst waiting for one of my staff to finish writing out something for me I noticed a quote today which I have stuck on my computer “Our values drives our choices and actions.” You would think because I have that stuck on my computer it would be something I look at every day and recite to myself like a mantra but nope, even though it was in plain sight somehow at some point I stopped noticing it, hence the statement “I noticed a quote today.”

Anyways, coming back to topic, looking at the quote suddenly jolted me to look up the word which is defined and I quote “Definition: Values are deeply held beliefs about what is good, right, and appropriate. Values are deep-seated and remain constant over time. We accumulate our values from childhood based on teachings and observations of our parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other influential and powerful people.” So I percolate. So I look in my figurative mirror.

Does that mean if I decide to fore go my health plan because I am stressed mean I have a value that is being flaky? Does that mean if I decide to procrastinate mean I have a value that is being weak? If I have a spazz attack does that mean I am my MOTHER!! *hyperventilates*I hate that mirror. It’s making me question every reaction of my self. So I have to sort. Damn it.

The thing about values is that I think a lot of times we are not aware of it unless we choose to look into it. There are some values we are aware of like, being clean or being honest or being hardworking but then there are the other times where we have no idea and only when we experience a set back we notice. Obviously that choice is up to you. Some people just decide to be a product of their environment. Like how I can tell what is wrong with the process from a defective result (Quality related work :P), I can tell what type of values a person have by the way a person handles themselves or how a person reacts to something. (It’s always easier to see others than thyself :P) But when I am in a setback, after being sucked in the moment for awhile I start to see my environment and see how I got there.

I definitely became the product of my environment hence the burnout. The scary part is, I was sort of stuck in it. Like it felt good to just give in instead of fighting, I thought I was resting but only now I realized I am a result of the chaos of 2007 which goes back to the question “Does that mean I am weak or lazy?” Or whatever.

Then I read my all time favorite article about going through changes “Growing Wings” By Martha Becks

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200401/omag_200401_beck.jhtml

I realize that I am not perfect. That there are many layers of my self that I am not even aware of and through adversities is when I can discover them. And it’s ok to dwell in the sadness or feel through the feelings caused by a situation, it’s actually good to feel through the feelings (this part is not easy) because only then you see what you have to learn and actually feel the need to learn from it. This is what progress is about, no progress has ever occurred in a linear fashion, it occurs through setbacks, feeling through the feelings and taking accountability.

So here I am finally looking in my figurative mirror and seeing some of the non effective values I didn’t realize I had, for the type of situations I have found myself in, which is opening the gateway of evaluation of everything from what could have started this snowball effect to burn out oblivion to what I could have done differently to prevent the burn out process to what I would have to do to get out of it. *groan* The getting out part is going to be a bitch because what I feel and what I know I have to do is so far apart, how the heck am I going to coax the two to coincide? That’s another story. So I am taking inventory of my current values based on the results of now and assessing on what to throw out and what to keep and what to adopt. All this from a quote I had the whole time but only noticed now. See how awing our mind is? It lets you see what you need to see when you need it. Obviously this applies to those who are in touch with themselves…if you suppress or be in denial, God could blow up the message in your face and you still probably won’t notice which is how you become a product of your environment.

Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.” – Stephen Covey

I remember reading the 7 habits for highly Effective people by Stephen Covey when I was like 20 I think in my junior or senior year of college. I took the class as an elective and it was a bird course, thought I would just fly right through it with an A in my beak. I didn’t really get the depth of what he was trying to say when I read it during my reading assignments. What the fish is a Value, what is the difference between character and personality, P/PC huh? Egg what? %$!$%^%$#. It was like I understood it but I didn’t. But what I read popped up sporadically as the years went by and it hits me now. Damn I am slow. But I did get an A in the class though. 😛 PS. Stephen Covey is awesome 🙂

I think the most important thing is if I can look in the mirror and respect myself. Sure I can fall, make stupid choices, be lazy, be weak or discover I have values that I may not be proud of but it’s what I do at the end of the day that counts. And knowing this makes me feel a whole lot better even though I still feel shitty.

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Relationship Talk: Embracing Your Relationship

April 2, 2008 at 1:10 pm (Blogroll, relationship) (, , , )

heart_swans_1.jpg

I am not sure if it’s because spring is in the air but I have been privy to many people’s views or woes or gratitude about their relationships. In the spirit of embracing your relationship I came up with some points which I concluded from what I listened to and what I learned from my own experiences, to be vital in any relationship that are wanting forever to be a reality and wanting that forever to maintain its color.

1) Communication is seriously the key to all successful relationship. I know it sounds a little cliche but through communication you share and you learn which can provide the sparkle, the connection that is needed to keep a relationship strong. How are you going to share a joke to laugh? Be silly to maintain the child in you? Feel cared for when you are stressed? Debate to open awareness?To sort out differences to grow as a couple?

I know guys have a tendency of being more closed up because of upbring or culture but man…if you fall in this category, dude, get out of it…you missing out. And for the ladies, I know you have no problem in this area but sometimes less is more and a comfortable06-07-relationshipcommunication.gif silence doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong in the relationship. Main thing is being comfortable in communicating.

I think of communication like ballroom dancing, not the part where the guy leads the girl to dance but two people working towards being in sync. Communication killers, choosing ego and getting competitive or choosing fear and being submissive and finally not listening. By the way communication has two parts; listening and speaking.

2. Dealing with the tough parts effectively with sincerity not emotionally. This actually is part of communication but I made it a separate point because if you do not know how to handle this part, it can really damage a good relationship. When I say tough parts I mean telling your partner your needs are not met, or feeling jealous or insecure, anything that causes problems in a relationship.

Keeping it in, or emotionally and irrationally reacting to the core reason is not the way to go. Usually when you react negatively to a situation, there is an underlying reason. The reaction is symptomatic of a root cause. For e.g Partner doesn’t call during the time set –broken_heart2.jpg feel upset – reactive outburst occurs – why? Feel like I am not remembered – Feel like I am not important enough – (root cause) Am I not good enough?

All negative reactions comes from a root cause and usually how you react to someone you should delve into yourself first to see why you are reacting so negatively emotional instead of expressing your upset in a communicative manner. It could be your partner but look inside you first.

I copied and pasted a synopsis of the four stages a relationship goes through when problems are not dealt with effectively that can lead to the demise of a relationship. Yes I am being lazy 😛

Dr. Barbara De Angelis, in her best selling book, “How to Make Love All the Time,” identifies four stages in a relationship that can kill it. And, by identifying it, one can immediately intervene and eliminate the problems before they become unmanageably large.

Phase 1: Resistance
This is the first phase of challenges in a relationship. It occurs when you take exception of something your partner said or did which you did not like. Maybe, it was a joke, which you did not find very tasteful, or a statement that offended you, or something else, which you wished had not happened. Of course, resistance is bound to happen in a relationship between two human beings, but the secret is to talk it over, and settle it before it reaches the second phase.

Phase 2: Resentment
Resistance, if not handled properly, can lead to resentment. Now, your irritation with your partner grows into anger, and a communication barrier is erected between you and him/her. In this phase, you begin to avoid your partner, and the intimacy that you both enjoyed is virtually over.

Phase 3: Rejection
If resistance is not eased, or if you and your partner do not talk the matter over, you may move into the third phase: rejection. This is the beginning of the physical separation from your partner. Coupled with emotional separation, in this phase, you begin to find everything about your partner annoying and irritating.

Phase 4: Repression
This is the most dangerous phase of the demise of your relationship. In this phase, you stop communicating with your partner altogether. There is an emotional numbness between the two of you. Slowly, you just become a roommate of your partner, not concerned of what he or she is doing or feeling.

If let’s say no matter how you hard you try you still end up in the throes of an irrationally emotional argument and things were said or feelings were hurt, I found this short article by Dr Jacki Black to aid in repairing the aftermath of an argument.

There may be occasions during your relationship when you hurt your Honey’s feelings or s/he hurts your feelings. There may be those rare times that your beloved does or says something that shakes your trust or you do or say something that shakes his or hers.

Those times may seem like the end of your relationship. You might fear that nothing can be said or done to repair the damage. Repairing the hurt is possible if you are both willing to work it out!

When you are hurt do you try to hurt your partner back? Do you hold a grudge? Do you reject your partner’s effort(s) to apologize and make up? Sometimes partners don’t have good tools and skills and don’t use their words effectively in emotionally charged situations.

While acting out against your partner may feel good in the moment, it really only serves to make the situation worse in the long run. Acting out creates more hurt feelings and makes it harder for both partners to work through the original hurt.

Here are several essential steps in the repair process:

· Acknowledge what happenedholding-hands.jpg

· Admit that you did or said something that you now recognize was hurtful and unkind or that has shaken your partner’s trust

· Offer an apology that includes acknowledging that you said or did something that hurt his/her feelings or contributed to shaking his/her trust in you

· Ask what you can do or say to make things better

· Allow your partner time to soothe himself or herself and be open and ready to receive him or her when the time is right.

Listening although always an important process more so during times of troubles or struggles in relationship. It’s probably so difficult to do but if your intention is that you care about your partner’s well-being, you will learn to put aside your ego or insecurity to actively listen and have a discussion to figure out the solutions that will help the relationship evolve. Action is also required, if you make it to this point where you find a solution but there is no progress due to no action, then it would be pointless. But if you are able to evolve through the bumps, the connection and intimacy gained is invaluable.

3. Never taking someone for Granted. This means cherishing your partner and acting hearts.jpgaccordingly through being appreciative and being thoughtful on a consistent basis. Making an effort to show that you are grateful for that person at least once or twice a day should be a good benchmark and it is such a necessity, like eating to nourish your body it nourishes the soul of the relationship. Yeah, you think “only once or twice a day!” or “oh my god so often?!” If you can maintain the awareness to do more that is great and it’s definitely not too much, you’d also be surprised how after being with someone for awhile or having someone be good to you all the time, you stop noticing…I think if the stats for divorce rates are true, this would be one root cause. If the people that have talked to me about their relationships be considered as a sample size, it would reinforce my notion that taking someone granted can stale, and even kill a relationship. Seriously!

PS. If your partner makes an effort to show you appreciation, make sure you respond with positive reinforcements if you want it to stay consistent or if you want more often. It’s like a cycle that will only grow depending on positive reinforcements. Would you want to keep being thoughtful and sweet when it doesn’t get noticed??

4. Leaving the past behind and only taking the lessons with you. If you have never been cheated on or abused or used I hope you are thanking god that you were lucky enough to not have experienced something like this. But if you have, please go to Amazon.com, conduct some research to figure out why you ended up in a relationship like that or how to evolve past a relationship like that before going to the next one. Because if you don’t the next one is either going to be thetrust.jpg same or you are going to damage a good person. I am not saying that the scars of something like this will magically disappear in your current relationship but at least if a bump occurs due to it, you will be able to catch it, realize it, be proactive about it and with time you can finally be free from old scars, it’s a process that is guided through awareness, information and support. And if the person you are with is supportive …even better it indicates that the relationship you are on is on the right track.

If you don’t have a scar from your last relationship, make sure you take a moment to be aware of what went wrong, what you liked and didn’t liked before starting something new, it will help you filter better and pave a way for a better relationship.

Maintaining a good relationship takes effort just like anything in your life and like life if you expect it to be easy then you are already setting yourself up for failure.

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I think even the most fabulously single people yearn to find a mate they can connect with. Someone to entangle legs with under the dinner table while talking about your day or teasing each other on how you pronounce certain words or how you are using a vocab wrong, somebody you feel safe enough to be totally vulnerable with, feeling loved during the good days and bad days…mmmm how lovely.

I know that the honeymoon phase of a relationship is dreamy, the bond is scintillating andheart-in-hand.jpg you want it to stay like this forever. But all things that breathes life has ebbs and flows and the key is to find ways to appreciate when it flows and find ways to learn from the ebbs to get flowing again. If you are in the post honeymoon phase wishing it will go back, there is something wrong and you need to assess because the intimacy that comes from learning more about each other through communicating and through overcoming differences in addition but not limited to being and showing appreciation continues the sparkle in a relationship but it’s deeper, the honeymoon phase end up looking like a fun memory you like to reminisce about rather than wanting it back. Like how they say you should live your life like it’s the last day of your life, you should have that same mindset for the person you love, remember and treat the person like it’s the last time you will see him/her. Not easy but worth the effort.

I hope that if you are in such a relationship, you embrace it and always make effort to make time no matter how your hectic schedule is to nurture it. One should not be in a relationship for the wrong reasons, but if you are in one that makes you feel loved, that makes you want to be a better person individually and as a partner take a moment to feel it, be thankful for it because it’s not easy to find someone you can connect with so don’t take it for granted or mess it up. Seriously!

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