LDR Talk: To LDR couples around the world…Finishing What I started part 1

June 24, 2008 at 12:22 am (Blogroll)

Some months ago I wrote about long distance relationship (LDR). During that time I did a lot of research, I am not one to do something out of my element without research and I said in that blog that I will talk about many other aspects about LDR’s and how to make it work…so here I am finishing what I started.

I know that in my first LDR talk blog I talked about how I was a firm believer of not being in an LDR but one guy changed that for me, but unfortunately it did not work out. But I know that there are a lot of people that is trying to make that work so here I am, sharing what I have researched in hoping to help some LDR couple out, that they will have the emotional strength and emotional stamina to get to the finish line.

One things for sure and two things for certain, being in a LDR relationship it really tests your patience and the love for your partner over again and again. Being in a LDR can make you question yourself, what you want out of life and even your state of mind for committing to a relationship that makes you feel so discombobulated and out of control . Basically being in an LDR is not for the weak hearted and only for those who are truly committed.

Just remember though, you are not alone in committing to a LDR.

When the love of your life, the one you decided you will commit to a LDR leaves, you go through a few negative emotions that can be detrimental to your relationship if not properly managed.

1. Withdrawals

Having to face a new environment without each other is excruciating especially after you spent months being so close to each other and being involved in each other’s lives.

2. Sadness

Obviously when the person you love leaves, the sadness overwhelms you to a point of the attack of crazy thoughts.

3. Being afraid of losing the relationship

When the person is in the same geographical location…you can somehow appease your worry about losing the person you love through sight but with that taken away, your concerns can heighten to a point of illogical standard.

3. Excessive Worry

As you go through the sadness and become intimate with the concern of losing the relationship, excessive worry can occur.

4. Loneliness

In the midst of the worrying, your loneliness can enhance with the sadness and worry…sometimes even make it worse.

5. Jealousy

With all the sadness, excessive worrying in addition to loneliness, jealously can overwhelm you to a point of almost making mistakes you cannot back out from.

Again, LDR is not for weak hearted and only for those who are truly in love and committed.

I am going to focus on explaining the depths of jealousy because all the the sadness or worries or whatever always provokes jealously.

A lot of times what we feel is a symptom of a root cause so I suggest before you start reacting to whatever you are feeling, figure out what is causing those feelings. No feelings is ever caused immaculately, it is caused by something.

From what I gather jealously is caused by three main root causes, one is fear of being abandoned, two is being afraid that you will lose the love and lastly being afraid of being dishonored in the relationship. It usually occurs in our heads rather than what is real. Obviously there are situations where something has caused it, but usually it is imagined. Note: If you are in a relationship where you can see with your own two eyes that you are being disrespected or dishonored…what the hell are you doing in that kind of relationship in the first place? And in a LDR which makes it even worse.

It is important to keep in mind that someone who is always jealous can drive away the best thing that has ever happened to him/her. Therefore it is necessary to figure out a way to handle the jealousy you feel rather than feed into it which can cause the demise of the relationship you cherish.

I think that it is important to figure out why you feel the way you do and figure our what you are jealous of before attacking the person who has decided to commit to you. It can get tiring especially when you are doing everything right to not disrespect the relationship but the person you love keeps accusing you of things you are not doing.

I suggest that you figure out what is the root cause of the jealousy. What situations are causing you to feel all that jealousy? I think you should write it down because just trying to calculate that in your head will cause you to get worse if you are not used to logicizing your emotions. Quoted from Alex Chew author of Manage your way to a perfect Distance relationship guide ” “The real trigger [of jealousy] clearly pinpoint to your own insecurity or low self-esteem.”

Alex Chew asserts that almost every jealous situation is often caused by the feeling of the person who feels inadequate for doing not enough to keep in touch with their partner. Feeling insecure can cause the person to keep in touch inconsistently because the person is thinking their partner will leave them if they had a chance. So here you are trying your best to keep in touch, but you get illogical thoughts mixed with sadness, worries and over active thinking, which can provoke all the fears you have within you and it can make you keep in touch less. Somehow in your mind you end up thinking, why am I investing when there is a chance the person I love is going to abandon me, throw away the love and disrespect me.

Whenever you feel jealousy, writing down a list of behaviors you deemed suspicious and evaluating them is vital. Try to figure out if the jealousy you are feeling is real or imagined. Make sure that you act according to what you find rather than reacting to something you imagine which really means you feel left out and you are being a big ass brat.

Apparently jealousy can occur in various ways. One of them is having too much free time. When you have too much time on your hands your mind can become overactive. In this case it is suggested that you eliminate your free time with some activities that can help you grow.

Another reason why jealousy could occur is due to feeling bad about ourselves or self-conscious. Do something to make yourself feel good about yourself, whether it is to volunteer in a soup kitchen or get a new wardrobe…anything that makes you feel like you are the greatest thing since slice bread. Yes it is cliche but so true.

In the end I think communication is key. Laying your cards on the table. If your partner reciprocates your honesty about your feelings then that in itself is an indicator that your partner cares about you, if both gets defensive all the time, then obviously you don’t have the maturity yet. Even in relationships that are in the same geographical location can fail through lack of communication. In a LDR, communication becomes extra important. Heart to Heart communication that is.

Instead of being a bitch or an asshole by reacting through your own assumptions, just be honest and say “I am feeling jealous of …. blah blah blah” at least this way you can see if your partner cares for you enough to alleviate your concerns. But if you are really insecure and you need over validation, then you might need to do some soul searching to figure out if you think the love you have for the person is worth the hurdles of a LDR or if you are mature enough for one. Seriously, the make or break of a LDR is dependent on the ability to manage your own emotions and being able to communicate from your heart.

I have more to write but for now I will stop here. I think the bottom line is being able to communicate effectively. I am sure with pride, ego, insecurities fogging up your perception it’s hard to tell between reality and your own internal fears. Which is why when you decide to pursue your LDR you have to make sure that you have the heart for it. Not just the part where you love the person so much but the strength to endure the storms that can occur during the journey.

Even though mine didn’t work out, I still have hope for those who believe in their relationship hence me writing this blog. It does sux when it doesn’t work out for you but instead of wallowing in remorse (for a little while to grieve is ok), realize that if it didn’t work out that means it wasn’t meant to be and the one thing you can find solace in is you tried your best.

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Random Talk: The words I am Sorry

June 23, 2008 at 4:33 pm (Blogroll)

I was contemplating today that the words I am sorry is one of the most powerful sentences in the human language, it has the ability to heal an emotional wound, it has the ability to fizzle out a disagreement, it has this almost magical effect of bringing two people closer but I realized that there are times when it’s not enough. The question is where is that line?

I don’t usually get offended very easily and have a pretty wide scope of understanding people but even for someone like me I have experienced at least 3 moments this year where ‘I am sorry’ didn’t take the usual effect on me. I didn’t feel that cleansing rush that usually occurs when someone who did me wrong says ‘I am sorry.’ Which got me thinking about whether it’s because the situation insulted my core self or if I am being unreasonable.

If someone insulted my core self, would I be considered unreasonable if can’t get myself to forgive? Which brings me to another hurdle is, if I forgive would I be considered a martyr? A pushover? But if a person isn’t able to forgive wouldn’t that negative energy infect your soul? Questions are doing a very weird dance in my head.

I think the moments that I have a hard time rising above is when I do my best to be a good and understanding person, a situation happens where I end up feeling and looking stupid. Whether accidental or intentional, the end feeling is the same. If I didn’t have pride in who I am it would be easier to digest or if it didn’t feel like I am being taken for granted especially when I made a lot of effort, it would be easier console my ‘self’.

I guess it’s something you have to ponder about by trying to look at the big picture. Sometimes trying to look at the big picture is not easy nor does it happen quickly but I think it’s worth the effort if you ultimate objective is not to negatively infect your soul. I think after you have put this effort and it still bothers you then you know that it is something you just have to let go and move on.

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Relationship Talk: Saying Goodbye

June 20, 2008 at 7:33 am (Blogroll)

Just as amazing and intense falling in love is, it’s just as painful and intense when saying goodbye. It doesn’t matter if you know the person did you wrong or is not right for you, saying good bye is always double the intensity of the amount of love you felt originally.

When I was growing up, I thought you only loved once but reflecting on the relationships I have been through, I can’t say that the love I felt during each serious relationship I had that didn’t work was a facade. It was easier to say it must not have been love to ease the excruciating pain of a break up but then I am not being honest with myself. And if I want to evolve I need to be honest with myself.

There was a point in my life where I was so jaded that it was easier to not believe that true love existed but as I am living my life I realized this. I realized that when you do fall in love and it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t love, it was but it wasn’t the one. I think each time we fall in love and if it doesn’t work out it’s the Universe’s way of providing us a learning experience so we are one step closer to knowing what we need and want so when the day comes you will be able to see the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with, like trial and error to get it right which makes sense if you think about it. Every skill we learn, every progress we make, it is accomplished through trial and error. No body gets it right the first time or sometimes even the 50th time. Each relationship that did not work out in the end, if you look at the big picture rather than focusing on the negative and stewing in it, at some point you will see what you need to learn which in turn gives you a better idea of what you want and need whether it is of a partner or for your self.

This is the first time in my life that I am able to think like this and although the pain is still there I don’t feel as negative which is what I usually feel after a break up.

Sometimes it is hard to see with all the painful emotions fogging up your vision, but if you remain still and keep in mind your objective which is to evolve into a better person at the end of the day, the epiphany will hit and when it does you will be able to say goodbye with a warm heart and move on.

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Random Talk: A Bad Day

June 18, 2008 at 5:45 pm (Blogroll)

I know that there are ebbs and flows in life and I always do my best to be praoctive during the lows and thrive on the highs but there are some days, I just can’t seem to shake off that dismal feeling that seem to have me in a pseudo choke hold. I gasp for breath hoping to staying afloat, the constant rain which usually brings me so much comfort and solace but today, it seems to set the mood.

It’s during my lunch break that I am writing this and my mind won’t let me delve into the depths of what I am going through today because I am trained to not get sucked in. So I tap my foot and percolate because I do want to write, but I am going to need a moment.

*ponders*

I read somewhere that when a day comes where nothing you do can shake off the abyss-like ebb you are feeling, it’s ok to just be in the moment. A feeling is after all an entity of energy and at some point it will dissipate as a campfire would as long as you don’t fuel it by putting more wood in. I am thinking in this case bad negative thoughts would be the wood that will continue this negative burn so I am trying to catch myself. Because I know at some point, this moment will pass and I will be ultra appreciative of the good.

So I am waiting.

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